i try my absolute hardest with everyone and everything and it all just gets thrown back in my face, i give up
This year i've done SO many new things, things i never thought i'd do, For starters, i managed to learn how to control my anxiety, my insomnia and everything that comes with it. I revised my absolute hardest for my GCSE'S and it still wasn't what i was expecting. I set all my goals at the start of this year, i suppose i wanted to change my frame of mind. I didn't exactly happen. Now i sit here, and listen to the same songs over and over again, because i'm scared i'll listen to lyrics that will trigger me off again. Around about October last year, i fell for someone that was honestly my world. He was all i could ever think about, everyday, every single day, it's funny now, because a year later i can barely think about him without my thoughts disturbing my mind set. I would go out my way for him to notice me, i would constently lock myself in my room waiting for him to appear online, so i would desperately talk to him, i suppose it was what i wanted at the time. Looking back on it now, i do wonder why i put so much effort into him, everytime i told him liked him, he rejected me, let's just say i always ran back to him. I spent nearly 8 months trying to wonder why he wouldnt go out with me?
he went out with me two years before, what have i done to be a different person? what have i done to not be wanted anymore. i think that's what triggered what im suffering with now, why was i never wanted? I started to punish myself for the things i'd said that day, the thing's that changed his emotions towards me. i use to punish myself for being ugly, absolutely hated myself for being unattractive and took it out on myself. I thought that maybe it was because my weight was different, because i wasn't as skinny as all my other friends, so i started to not eat properly, it's funny though, only two of my friends started noticing it, and questioned what was wrong with me. You see, i have some sort of Phobia about the doctors, so when i was threatened with it, i went straight back to eating. I also went through a phase of punishing myself, but forcing myself to eat food i didnt like, i dont even know why the hell i decide to do this, i suppose i wasn't feeling like i was good enough. I went through a period which i'm still scarred by, which was where i was always thinking negative thoughts, one in which was ending my own life. I know it's stupid to put my whole life on the internet like this, and i know it seems attention seeking, but i want people to know, that they don't have to do it alone, because i basically did it alone and i wasn't what i wanted. I started to avoid help, one of my friends contsently told me to go and get help, but i just couldn't. i think that i like to think of myself as independent, but from the outcome of this occasion, help would of been the best choice. I use to go to school everyday, and pretend like everything was okay, i use to sit there and pretend that life was all happy, but when i got home it was a completely different scene. i wished that one person could just see what it was like, because i was inside, crying out for help. I'd get home. and basically cry, all night every night, just over my appearance, my mum use to try and help me but i pushed her away aswell, i regret that one thing so much.
i think that if it wasnt for my mum, i wouldn't be alive today, because i use to scare her, scare her and my brother, and if she just left me like i use to ask her to, the outcome would be very different, i don't think i'd still be here today. I use to get scared that my friends get fed up of me, that they'd leave me, and i'd have no-body. I lost so many people due to my state of mind, all i wanted was to be alone, all day everyday. Thinking back to all this, in my mind, pictures a very dark picture, and even though i'm happier now, flicks of this mind set come back to haunt me on regular occasions, for example whenever someone compliments me it comes back, reminding me i'll never be good enough, i suppose thats the reason im not good with compliments. Back then, i claimed that i loved this boy, and i still believe that i did, to put everything into someone and for them to just throw it all away, he made my life hell, absolute hell and he's the reason im like what im like today, he made me cry uncontrollably for weeks, he made my own family watch me go through one of the toughest times of my life. so i did love him, but i dont think that you should bother with people who make your life hell, absolute hell, and the only way that im a tiny bit better off now, is because ive got over that fact, took at long time but i did, and now instead of loving someone i'm in love with someone, and now i've realised how different it really is, and that my depression and unhappiness is something that wont go away, but that i've just got to put at the back of my mind and forget about it, because remember destroy what destroys you.
and you cant decide whos your side